I have dated a lot of men. I love men. I think they are awesome. In fact, I wrote a piece on exactly how much I love them that you can find here.
What I am sharing here isn’t a condemnation of the male species…if anything it is addressed to all the women out there who have men in their lives that aren’t really with them and they are deluding themselves by thinking they are.
It is a trap easily sprung by even the most savvy, authentic and conscious living female. She finds a great guy who is tons of fun and they connect. But she wants it to be more because it is so fun, he is so hot, there is so much potential. And that potential is what she builds her delusion on.
The delusion is that there is more going on that what truly is. I compiled the list below based on experiences I have actually had with men. I definitely haven’t had them all with one man, I would hope if this experience manifested in one man I would recognize it pretty quick!
The “it” I refer to is when the guy you are with really isn’t “with you”. He is enjoying you, he is a fan of yours, he likes you, he really does. But he is not invested for any number of reasons: past wounds, not ready, doesn’t like certain things about you, is focused on some other area of his life or any other reason. The reason doesn’t matter. The fact is, he isn’t with you energetically, spiritually and sometimes even physically.
Here are ten signs I have found. If you have more, comment below and I’d love to hear them!
- He tells you he isn’t. Let’s start here, with the obvious one. Don’t think that he is kidding. He isn’t. If he tells you he needs space, he does. If he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, he is serious.
- He says No. A Lot. If he repeatedly turns you down when you invite him to do things you want to do, he isn’t with you.
- He doesn’t initiate time together. If you are always initiating the time you spend together. He really isn’t with you.
- All of your discussions circle back to him. Regardless of what you talk about, it comes back to him. You may have a close relative die and you will hear all about the time he lost his cat.
- He never gives gifts. He doesn’t think of you when he goes on trips and bring you back a trinket. He doesn’t ever give anything of any value. No, it isn’t about the stuff, we all get that. But it shows you were on his mind. If you aren’t on his mind, he isn’t with you. For example, yesterday I got free garbage bags. I was happy.
- He never says, “thought about you when…”. You don’t cross his mind when he sees things that are obvious reminders of you. It’s because he isn’t with you.
- There is no discussion of the future. You can’t bring up next week let alone next month and expect a commitment on anything.
- You split all expenses. He never treats and won’t let you treat. It is important to him that all things be equal and there is no perception of owing anything – he keeps score.
- He won’t spend time with your family or close friends. He doesn’t want to get that invested because he isn’t really with you.
- Sex is fabulous and amazing and fiery but true intimacy is missing. You connect on a very physical level which is awesome, but there is a lack of intimacy that follows. It is like the door shuts after the Big O.
Any number of these could manifest in a man and it isn’t necessarily a deal breaker right out of the gate. But if they are going on over time and nothing is changing, you might want to take a look at it.
You must honor yourself and love yourself enough to expect and ask for the very best in a partner.
If he is telling you directly or indirectly he isn’t it, then he probably isn’t.
I’d love to hear if you have any other signs! Just comment below and share them!