Bubbling under the surface is this nervous tension colliding with the sense of all is right with the world. How can they both possibly be right?
I wonder this as I observe change happening for me, and for the first time in my life not being clear on what it is.
When I got sober back in 2003, I knew huge change was coming for me. I was engaged, deployed to the Middle East with the US Army and convinced I’d never have any fun ever again if I didn’t drink. I made a huge list of all the things I’d never be able to do again without alcohol as my companion.
I have done all of those things, left that engagement, survived emotionally and physically that deployment and though it all, I was aware of the shifts happening.
In 2010 I made my first connection with a life coach – my first official coach. I did it not only aware that change was happening, but very clear once more on the type of change I wanted: a different career. What I got was a completely different life that I fall in love with all over again every single day.
In 2012-2013 I left my corporate job, opened my third business, started my only child in kindergarten, divorced from my husband, saw my brothers safe return to his wife and daughter from deployment to Iraq, sold multiple properties and completely changed my lifestyle. I went from making 6 figures to 3 and felt wealthier than ever.
Since then small changes have occurred: I discovered a passion for glass art and began creating, I started teaching in a college certificate course and realized how much I love teaching, I assumed financial responsibility for my grandmother’s affairs, rolled with business and personal financial ups and downs, sold a business, started another business, found a personal relationship that I value more than I ever thought possible and have a shared vision for the future that is so amazing I am stunned when daily action draws us closer to it.
So now, I stand on the unsteady grounds of change and have no idea what they are made of. After such clarity of direction in prior change phases I am wondering at the universe’s motives in keeping me in the dark. What is lurking in those shadows as I walk forward? It feels right, but with every step I wonder if the squishy floor will collapse and leave me floundering in chocolate pudding or horse shit.
Dealing with the uncertainty of this change requires faith. “How do you get faith? How do you trust?” I have been asked over and over again. Well, I am not sure how it will work for you, but this is what I have done:
Trust the ever loving shit out of an energy way fucking bigger than I am and way fucking bigger than I can conceive of. It’s the shit, it is the grand master daddy mama of allllll things we are here to do and who am I to second guess it?
Let me elaborate on that a bit for those that need a more constructed process, here is what I have come to understand for me:
- I am a spiritual entity in physical creation – I believe that. I believe that I am connected to the spirit of the universe.
- The spirit of the universe is infinite, I am finite in physical form, the spirit of the universe has no physical form except me (and yes, you too!), and therefore I am connected to the infinite.
- I watch for the connections between my actions, my thoughts, my beliefs and the impacts on those around me. I see.
- I trust that infinite energy to be a lot smarter than me.
- I ask for the right thought or action and I take it when it arrives.
A little example: When I was leaving the military, I didn’t have a special connection to anywhere at the time. I was single, two dogs and needed a place to connect. I had interviews lined up in 4 different states.
On my first interview for my last location choice, I got so sick I couldn’t continue on with my interviews in the next 3 states. I had opened up my energies and said “Okay universe, where do you want to send me? I’ll go where you need me.” And it answered “Iowa”. Trust me, I had doubts, a strong desire to fight the direction and find another way. But I decided to have faith and go for it.
That was 13 years ago.
So here was are again, “ok universe, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?” I’ll trust and move forward on faith.